The journey out

Lately, it seems as though I can't tell the difference between when it's time to write or journal. It's as though I've become one with it. Perhaps is a good thing. It could also be terrible.

I have had a couple people confirm for me recently my fear of being completely self-absorbed. Everyone's got their quirks, right? Awesome. Well, some might see this as a bad thing, but I'm instead going to seize it as an opportunity to truly face my demons head on.

Let's do this.

I figure I'll delve into some service work for a while. See where I end up.

And also, I must start writing every day. Or stop doing it. (not on here, but at least somewhere) I'm never going to improve at this rate or have any gained respect for myself. I'm not shooting for hubris or anything, but a tad more self confidence and a little less obsessive reflection certainly wouldn't hurt.

I have got to get off my ass. Get moving. Start living. Stop planning. Run. Live.
      Before I die.
            Could be a hoot.

I've also realized that my research is terribly lax - along with my follow-through. So, basically my integrity blows, but hey, you gotta start start somewhere.

Baby steps.

I'm not going to change the world tomorrow morning, but I can at least dig the first place for a brick.

I run, no, Sprint, toward change. Always have. But I lack endurance. I've got to slow down and take smaller bites, or I'm just going to keep purging all of the progress right into the trashcan.

So that's the part you get from too much self reflection. Then there's this.



People feel pain. Real pain. All of them do. That's why it's so important to focus on the connections - the similarities, because as soon as anyone starts to feel as though they're the only solitary one - that's it. That's the place where we get ourselves into trouble.

It's so easy to feel alone. It's so much harder to feel connected. To truly set yourself free in love and life. Reaching out and (I know... it sounds lame) touching that face, accepting that shoulder, unclenching that fist.

SO much harder.

Than angry
            bitter
                miserable
                   solitary
                       "independence"

There we go.

I hope you see where I'm going with this. If not, just give me a sec.

I am not, in any way, trying to say that independence is a bad thing, but I also think the word has been abused and, regrettably, misused. Embarrassingly so.

The word "independence" has become such a powerful mechanism, it's as though it breathes on it's own now. We mistake pride, isolation and loneliness for independence. They're not equal.

It's not the same thing. It never was. So, stop being fooled. Pay attention. Listen. Put your damn pride away.

Perhaps independence is actually the ability to connect and live without losing yourself. There's this idea floating around that it's impossible to connect with others and hold onto yourself at the same time.

It's not true.

Remember those similarities I was talking about? You're in there, too. Just as they.

That torch needs to burn. And your mind is too heavy. Just like mine. I have no doubt.

Stop thinking. Instead, listen.

The key's in there somewhere -- I just know it.

It's time to start.

So, I've finally tired of saying I'm going to start a blog "sometime" and resolved to start it today. I'm honestly not sure what's been holding me back, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter once you've found yourself a jumping point. I guess this is it.

I've been bearing my fears and inner criticisms for far too long. It's time to bear them with a little strength and integrity. As much as we'd like it to sometimes, life doesn't sit around and wait for us to wake up, we just age, and then we have to reap the consequences of ill spent time with a proudly, or humbly, raised head. I haven't decided which one is mine yet, but I'm alright with that.

I'll probably be posting some poems every now and then, possibly some other interesting, or even uninteresting, things. Who knows? You'll just have to stick around long enough to find out.

I do, however, have a poem to share today. I have no description for it, except that it is an expression of a certain awakening process I've been cycling through for several years now. It's the beginning of something. A something which, at this particular point, has no face, and no name.

But I'm pretty sure it's beautiful. I hope you agree.


There It Is


I am the original wisdom
      you've been ignoring


I am the unconditional love
      you've been hating


I am the fear
      you've been running toward


I am the window pane
      you've been smashing


I am the pieces
      you've been ripping apart


I am the fire
      you've been suffocating


I am the soul
      you've been bleeding


I am the mother
      you've been infuriating


I am the house
      you've been wrecking


I am the music
      you've been muting


I am the mountain
      you've been tearing down


I'm the light
      you're trying to kill.

Over here.

It's o.k.

Shut your eyes.

Breathe.

It's safe here.