There are a lot of things I've learned about myself from social media, and a lot about others as well. Facebook and other such sources have a way of removing one's inhibitions, and moving straight to the meat of the thing.
The problem with that? It was nice when we were all face to face, and only a few of us were the "blunt ones." Life was easier to handle that way. One serious thought at a time, one overwhelming thought slap at a time.
But now? We all have a soapbox. We all think we have a chance to be heard, and fearlessness has become a sort of disease that gives us a false hope.
I miss the shyness and the fear of looking someone in the eye to tell them how you really feel. I miss the shuffle and the smell and the intrigue of seeing someone's thoughts as they speak.
Ever since I had my daughter last year, I have been searching for myself, and I am quickly realizing that my "internet identity" is lonely, lost and confused.
I have recently come to the realization that I have been battling postpartum depression ever since my daughter was born, 15 months ago. Who knew it could last that long? I hadn't a clue until recently. I just knew I was feeling unsure, and that life had lost its beautiful luster and infinite possibilities that it used to dazzle me with,
And then there's the problem of friendships. Over the past few years, I have delved myself into my career, my marriage, and motherhood, and while these are all good things, it has been to the detriment of many friendships that I hold very dear to my heart.
It's easy to think that you can do everything before you're presented with it, but when push comes to shove, ultimately your family and your bacon are, and should, always be the winners in the race.
It took me a while to realize this. Before my daughter was born, most of the damage had already been done, and I was newly married, and working my first hardcore "career" job that I had ever had - so my ability to attend everything fell to the wayside.
So my 30th birthday passed as just another day, baby shower invitations went unanswered, and messages to old friends became invisible,
This haunted me for quite some time, and I do believe that it is part of what may contribute to the hopelessness that comes with postpartum depression in the first place; when suddenly, your world has become much smaller, everyone is disappointed in your inability to make dinner, while attending a party, breastfeeding your child, and standing on your head simultaneously..
It's a tough world out there. And ultimately, I finally realize that it's ok. I am everything in my family's eyes, and I am amazing at my job, and while my handful of friends is few, it is the quality and the loyalty that really counts.
Hang in there, guys. We're all having a hard time most days. But we're in this together, whether we realize it or not.
